Loyalty

What good is loyalty?  Sometimes I wonder where I would be if I wasn’t so loyal.  At this point, I think I would be in a better place.  

I’m not sure why I’m so down.  The fact that I’m in school to possibly better myself and hopefully have a more rewarding career in court reporting should make me feel that the path I’ve chosen will eventually be a blessing, but right now I don’t feel that way.

I worked for the same attorney for around 10 years and in those 10 years I had offers to take positions elsewhere but when approaching him about leaving, he always talked me into staying.  Even at one point saying “he’d make sure I was taken care of.”  If he were asked about that today, he would probably deny it.  Did he take care of me?  NO.   

I think back to one position where the secretary and attorney really wanted me to work for them and learn patent prosecution and trademarks, and telling me not to give in to his guilt trip.  Well I gave in with that stupid line that he’d take care of me.  Right now I would have had a secure job with a great attorney and gained some experience that I’m lacking now which is keeping me from getting a nice job.  

I can’t help being so bitter and angry.  That instance, on top of others, makes me kick myself over and over for choosing to be loyal to someone who has no loyalty himself.  

No I’m not going postal!  I am angry at myself.  I was so religious and felt that being loyal is what God would have wanted me to do.  WHERE ARE MY BLESSINGS NOW?  Yes, I may be struck down by that statement.  I do have healthy children, I do have a roof over my head and food on the table, but I honestly feel that I was betrayed and it hurts STILL.

So depressing!

Well I haven’t written because everything I have to write is so depressing that I didn’t want to depress myself more by having to type it out and have to reread it.

I have been job hunting — yes, that’s depressing enough but not getting a job sucks even more.  

I don’t know what is wrong with me!!!  I have a nice resume.  I think I interview well.  But they end up going with someone else.  I didn’t expect it to hurt my ego this much!  

I had decided since I took this semester off from court reporting school, I’d try to find a nice job because I need the money but I can’t.  So obviously I’m heading back to school.  I guess I’d better pull my machine out and start practicing. 

I even tried applying at the old law firm I used to work at and I they don’t want anything to do with me it seems — possibly because I left them about a year and a half ago.  

Today I had an interview where, although the HR person knew I was on a time crunch because I had to pick up my kids from school, she proceeded to keep me in the waiting room for 40 minutes then go through 2 pages of questions that seemed to bait me into saying something negative.   Then I didn’t even get to meet the attorneys.  The snobby bitch barely wanted to shake my hand.  

I will not go on another interview again!  

On a happy note, I got the okay to apply for financial aid for the remainder of my school, so I don’t have to worry about coming up with money for tuition.  Yeah!  I guess where one door closes, one opens (or however that saying goes).

A Graceful update

Well since no one really is dying to read my journal, I’m having a hard time keeping up with it but I’ll update it nonetheless.

In the last two weeks:

- my daughter has become a lady but still is in elementary.  I can’t understand why things are happening so quickly with her.  She was the first to wear a bra and now this.  She feels totally uncomfortable and I can predict wanting to miss school on this “special” days of the month.  Who wouldn’t.  I don’t remember having to deal with that until Jr. High and I hated it then.  I feel so bad for her and I wish there was something I could do.  Of course I will be there for her and do what I can to make things easy for her and hope that is enough.  

- I have leaned more and more towards giving up court reporting.  I’ve gotten random advice which was mostly negative but really not reliable.  I know that disgruntled employees are so willing to give you all the negatives and I have yet to find someone who is just in love with the career to direct back on that path.  So until then, I’m taking a break.  I’ve applied at tons of law firms for jobs as a legal secretary and hope to be getting a job soon.  

I’ve realized I really need to change my attitude about my job.  In speaking with a friend, the quote “it’s just a job” came up and it got me thinking.  I have been waiting for a perfect job when there isn’t one.  I really need to just find a job that I can keep and sit through for the next 20 years until I no longer need to work and not take things so personally.  I’m not sure if that makes sense but I need to realize it’s just a job, and stick to it.  

Okay let’s see how long that mentality sticks.  I’m known for quitting things and I really didn’t want to quit court reporting.  I really hate that about myself.  But in reality, I shouldn’t have let go of my nice cushy job that I had in the first place just because I was unhappy.  It wasn’t that terrible.  Maybe I should have doubled up on my happy pill and seen if that would have made a difference.  Who knows.  

So I have spent these last two weeks I’ve polished up my resume and sent it out to numerous places so we will see where I end up. 

School is starting next week so I’ve also spent my time getting ready for that.  It’s always a bittersweet moment.  I can’t wait to have some alone time, but then again, I hate that my babies are growing up.  I’m getting to see their personalities and I love that they make me laugh.  I’m glad they got my sense of humor.

My inner grace

I cannot wait to find out who wins on Hell’s Kitchen.   I DO NOT want Rock to win.  I thought I was going to be quite apathetic now that Jen and Julia are out but last night when the other chefs were cheering for him, I was quite agitated.  I found myself cheering Bonnie on.  For some reason, although he cooked really well and hardly had any mistakes, his temper and attitude bug me.  And it seems that he gets anxious and nervous when put on the spot.  I’m curious who will win and won’t be surprised with either one.  I will be cheering for Bonnie though.

This is my first season watching Hell’s Kitchen, does anyone know what happens to the runner up?  Do they get some kind consolation price?

 So I’m letting my hair grow long and this is the longest I’ve ever had it (below my shoulders so far) but I think this is the haircut I’ll be shooting for:

  

Men

I bet it has never crossed men’s minds that maybe their wives let themselves go, gain weight, don’t dress up anymore, maybe even let the house go unattended longer than usual because there isn’t anyone to do it for anymore.  She doesn’t feel he even sees her anymore so why go through all the trouble.  Even when she does try and make some effort, it is all wasted.  While she lies in wait for him to come to bed, he lies on the couch snoring–the special dinner, the clean house, the grooming, the extra touching that she rarely gave any effort to before, all for naught.  He doesn’t notice any of the  efforts.  Men don’t listen to the clues that their wives try to subtlely give when they are starting to feel unappreciated, unloved, unfulfilled.

Obviously, when the husband is a great provider and a great father, it is hard to complain and anytime she thinks about voicing her unhappiness, she feels evil and ungrateful for what she does have and goes on without saying a word, goes on to try to squelch that anger that is just building up.  So when she hears of a husband that does special things for his wife, takes her on a getaway vacation, buys her something nice instead of having her pick out a gift herself, it just ignites this fire of anger she’s been trying so hard to squelch. 

She tries to think of all the good things about him and goes to bed again content with life appreciating all she has and life goes on.

when will he realize that the clues aren’t becoming so subtle anymore, that he is just making it that much more easy for anyone to come in and sweep her off her feet. 

Quote of the day…

If you are a parent, you know kids say the darndest things.  

As a parent sometimes you have to reinforce that YOU ARE THE PARENT and well this was today’s quote of the day:

Me:  ……because you came out of my butt .   [okay, not really appropriate but first thing out of my mouth]

Ryan (6):  if I came out of your butt, then I’m poop.

Okay, after that, I totally forgot what the debate was about.

I WISH I COULD SEE INTO THE FUTURE

I recently quit working as a legal secry making around $50,000 and sometimes I think that was a stupid thing (especially when I would like to purchase things that I can’t afford now).  I wanted to be home with my children but mostly I was unhappy in the assignment that I had.  I could have waited a few years to get a nice assignment, but I didn’t.  

So I ended up deciding to do medical transcription at home and I really hate it.  I am so bored to death of the same reports and I hate the low pay (which is my fault since I get paid by the line and my lack of motivation keeps me from producing).  

I decided to go back to school since quitting college is one of my major regrets and since both my kids were in school, I felt it was great timing.  I decided on court reporting which I am actually loving but it is exceptionally hard.  The pay will be great if I push on through but there are so many people who get very close but never finish.  It seems like I’ll never get there but for now it’s really one of my major goals.  Well it was until now…..

I never realized how easy it is to fuck up your hands.  I smashed my finger one day in the car door and I was unable to type properly for about 2 weeks, which in turn that hurt my speed.  Our goal is to get up to 225.  You don’t want anything that will affect your ability to progress.  I decided that med. transcription, school homework, practicing on my machine, on top of  the 3 hours in my speed class was too much fatigue on my hands.  

In looking for another part-time job to get me through school (and a few meals for my family), I came across a job at my old law firm working at night 9 am to 4 am.  probably making about the same as when I quit.  Obviously I can’t do both – work this job and go to school.  But it got me thinking.  What a perfect job to be able to stay home with your kids and still make good money.  

It has gotten me thinking about whether I need to actually pursue this career as a court reporter.   This is one of those moments where I wish I could fast-forward in life and see my future.  

I have no idea what would be the best thing to do.   

To be continued….